Weep & Howl

(trigger warning: suicidal ideation) Dear Pastor, Last Christmas you asked how my time at university was going. I didn’t feel safe giving an honest answer then. But now—a couple months later—I’ve decided we would both benefit from the truth. In the spring of my freshman year I stopped doing schoolwork, then stopped attending classes. I’d open an assignment only to be filled with such dread of failure I couldn’t bring myself to start it. I would put on my coat to go to class, only to be overcome with fear and instead curl up in the fetal position on the beanbag in the living room of my dorm apartment, convinced that if I just lay still enough nothing bad that happened could be my fault. Eventually, I stopped getting out of bed altogether. After failing all my classes I went home and spent most of last summer on an armchair in my bedroom, trying to be absolutely still for as much of the time as possible. Friends and therapy roused me from my stupor. I went back to school with